Alopecia

constantly being asked if you have cancer.

I know that sounds rough, it`s not an ideal topic really. Cancer is no joke and this is possibly why its even more infuriating. As soon as someone asks that question (or more likely my friends being asked) then I feel like we are removing the importance of someone who is suffering with the illness. (we all know some superhero battling cancer, they deserve the respect)

Its not a feeble disease and should not be used in such a sense in a conversation. It doesnt mean you cant ask, but choose your words. (Most of the time people might ask if its cancer becuase they care for you and fear what you may be going through)

Now why would I receive this question so often? I have no hair.

Luckily I have a rather well shaped head, or so i`m told. So here`s my alopecia story and tips and techniques i`ve tried so far.

Hint: I`m still bald, so none have been completely successful.

first hair loss- 2010

Most hair loss- December 2020

Reason- unknown.

So for 11 years my hair has been falling out and growing back on a continual basis. I believe the initial kick starter was my contraception (cannot be medically confirmed,only my best guess)

However this is also the year I met my long term (and still current) partner so, you know? loads of possibilities…

The only time my hair fully grew back is whilst being pregnant with each of my two kids. I`ve spent years trying to figure out the connection, in fact speaking to multiple doctors and dermatologists and none of them have a clue.

If anyone has ever heard any helpful advice from a health professional , PLEASE let me know.

Treatments i have tried:

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Over the years ive had multiple topical creams, ointments and oils including so many that has claimed to be miracle ointment and the most recent being Minoxidil also known as Regaine foam.

This has been the most successful, however is still not enough. I imagine for small patches of hair loss this would actually work wonders. Unfortunatly my hair loss has been too severe.

I also found a little success with Elecon, but still not enough for “the great loss” that I have.

I`ve also used a supliment called Biotinwhich seems to help a little with growth. Not completly conclusive, but it makes a difference to me, when I remember to take it.

Most success I have had is with the sunbeds. I use my local tanning shop and cover myself in suncream and like and bake for 6 minutes. I had minimal hair growth until I started my “mini holidays” as i like to call them.

In any sense your hair doesn`t grow until your outlook improves, so I do suggest some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which is essentially rewiring your brain to change the reaction you have to trauma or your stresses. This I would and do recomend for anyone even if you have a full head of hair.

How do you cope with dramatic hair loss?

Essentially you don`t, but you have to find a way. When you have minimal loss, you can become inventive, use hair bands, interesting hairstyles and accessories. My favourite thing to do was a side pleat that would hide everything.

When the hair loss is in a place you can`t hide or more likely it has taken over most of your hair, my best advice is to shave it all off. I know this is extreme measures and can be a bit much for anyone, it was for me, but I did it anyway.

The alternative is to find a wig, or contact your dermatiologist and they can help with this side of things. I`m not completly sure how this system works, but it was an offer from the dpearment at one

These images are a timelapse of a month, not even a full month. I was still able to laugh it off mostly, however in the back of my mind it lingered like a dark cloud.

The vicious circle continued on and on. The more you think about it the worse it became.

“The stress”

Now I never particularly saw myself as someone who was stressed, yes things annoyed me and I was very paniky, most of my issues came out in my dreams, but thats another story.

In actual fact, if anyone was going to have an accidental meltdown then these past few years have been the time. I`ve witnessed other people in my life who were perfectly normal have some pretty extreme reactions to these years.

Did you know, that there is a disorder called NEAD, which are non-epeleptic attacks which are essentially caused by stress. They can look exactly like a seizure (in my experience) however do not physically cause damage to the brain. Your body litterally says “F*** You, i`m not doing it” and shuts down.

When doctors tell you stress is dangerous for your body, you don`t ever think it can almost disable you.

Anyway I got sidetracked, the body does amaze me and blow my mind the more I learn about it.

I didn`t think I was that stressed, Until the December and I began to realise that the pains in my chest, the racing heart and chaotic thoughts were possibly a warning sign that my body was at breaking point. I know DUH…

When you are so caught up in the chaos of life it`s very hard to keep track of what self care you need.

I never would have promotoed sunbeds before at all, infact i was completly against them, until I actually tried it. It lightened my mood and gave my hair a boost in growth.

Why shave it?

Reaching the decision of shaving my hair was ultimately a plan. I had always wanted to for years, however I had left it so long falling out that it no longer felt like a choice. Backed into a corner with no other options. I couldnt sleep without my mind reeling of what my hair would look like the following day. It became obsessive.

I didn`t go out often and when I did, I was convinced everyone knew.. secretly signing “nobody will know” (the ridiculous tiktok song) in my head trying to fool myself. In reality, no one did know. It was winter i could wear a hat all of the time and the only place I had to wear a head band instead was work (because it`s so damn hot.)

I planned to speak to my GP and ask for help, and after the appointment I was going to shave it off. Well what was left.

Asking for help is not a weakness.

Easy to say, in reality it doesn`t always feel that way. Speaking to someone or anyone that would possibly have another option was critical. It meant that I couldnt sink into a hole of dispair because this doctor was checking up on me. She could help me where no one else has expertise to.

The GP is not the only help you need, but they are often a good source of impartial advice.

Having a support network is very helpful too, even one friend that you are not scared to share your “secret” with. If you don`t have friends that you are close enough too, know that you have strength within you. You can get through anything and you are always stronger than you believe.

When i finally decided i was ready to move forward and shave my hair, I was completly alone. I headed to my bedroom and silently shaved it off. It was like a grieving process. Being ready to let go of who I was and start a new journey no matter how dark it felt.

I spent another hour alone before showing my partner, who was pretty freaked out by the idea and then sat for another 2 hours before sending pictures to my family and a friend. I gradually one step at a time broadened my support network. We are all individuals and deal with our issues in our own unique way, for me, I like to tip-toe into sittuations and try to remain from the spotlight and that was ok. I had the time and space to do so, which I created.

Not going to lie, I grieved for longer than I possibly should, I still hated my hair, infact even more so because there was nothing. Being in lockdown meant not having to share my “weakness” with anyone else.

It is not a weakness, but I sure felt like it was, infact there still is a part of me thinks that. A niggling thought that reminds me my body cannot cope with life, but once again we all have our things that we struggling with and this is my bodys way of dealing with it.

It could be worse.

The reveal

It took me 4 months to finally go out in public with no hat on and essentially I was almost forced to becuase of the type of job I have. I need to be in water to continue training for work and also average temperature is around 31 degrees. Its not worth the hastle of sweating and being anxious of people seeing your hair just to protect the alopecia demon.

2 months on and I barely ever wear a hat. Always wearing suncream and almost forgetting it. I purposely don`t spend alot of time infront of mirrors because theres no point in wollowing in a problem I cannot fix.

Half the time people don`t notice and when they do, they are inquizitive, they will ask you once and never again and the rest of the time people accept you for who you are. They even notice the finer details of you. Your eyes and smile become a focal point, which can actually make someones day brighter. A smile is like an infection and with no hair you are the best host for passing it on.

Whether you choose to wear a hat or a scarf or anything really ensure you are truly comfortable. I feel free with no hat, free of anixiety and panic. I no longer worry of what people will think of my hair only because in my gut i knew what was best for me.

Trust your gut and loose the fear. I believe in you, and you should too.

Alopecia – cynthia diaries